Help open vaults, fight gooberism

Oh boy, have I got news for you today.

But first, today is the kickoff of The Republic’s annual Season for Sharing campaign, which means it’s time for our annual discussion of gooberism.

As you know perfectly well, there are people among us who are hungry, lonely, abused, disadvantaged or disabled in some way. People, many of them are just kids and need a bit of help. If you think about it long enough, you will know you have friends or neighbors in such conditions.

I do.

I figure it works like that weakest-link-in-the-chain thing. As a community, we are no stronger than the weakest among us. We can’t solve all their problems, but when we have a chance to help, we do. If we don’t, what are we?

Goobers. Goobers who live in Gooberville.

Now, I know you people. You may be a bit odd, but I don’t believe you are goobers, and I don’t believe you will tolerate gooberosity

So here’s the big news. My masters have at hand exactly 100 Hugely Official Valley 101 Stamp Out Gooberism coffee mugs.

And these handsome objects aren’t just for coffee. Nosireeebob. You could drink tea out of one or cocoa or water. You could even use it for a root beer float, albeit rather a small one. And every time you take a sip, you’ll know you did your part to make this better place to live.

That is, if you donate $100 or more to the Valley 101 Anti-Gooberoisty campaign.

Use the coupon on A2. Send it to Goober Be-Gone, Valley 101, NM19, Arizona Republic, 200 E. Van Buren St., Phoenix AZ, 85004.

And remember, for every dollar you donate, my masters, at the behest of the Gannett Foundation, go down to the vault in the depths of the Dark Tower, right next to the dungeon, and take out 50 cents to add to your gift. That must just kill them, but they do it anyway, bless ‘em. Or at least they do it until the total raised gets to $800,000.

Where does the money go? Straight to the agencies here in Arizona that use it to help others. Every penny. And no, they don’t use any of it for administrative costs or to get the coffee mugs from my book publishers (www.primerpublishers.com.) Not that they seem to make much money anyway from the looks of my so-called royalty checks.

Reach Thompson at clay.thompson@arizonarepublic.com or (602) 444-8612.

*Clay Thompson writes for The Arizona Republic. You can read his column by going to www.azcentral.com

Salty tears are good sign you won’t explode

OK, OK, calm down.

So, maybe 30 million cubic meters per second isn’t the same as 8 million gallons per second. It’s a bit more. It’s, um, quite a bit more. So let’s all just relax, OK? I’ll never trust another online measurement-conversion site again.

So take a deep breath and we’ll talk about something else.

Why are my tears salty?

That’s easy. It’s because you are a bit salty yourself. If you weren’t, you would explode, sort of. Or shrivel up.

There is a little bit of salt in all the cells in your body. This, in case anybody asks, is called osmolarity. And the fluids surrounding your cells have the same amount of salt, known as isotonic.

This is good, because if those fluids had more salt, they would suck the water out of the cells, and the cells would shrivel up.

If the cells had more salt than the fluids around them, the water would pour into the cell until it burst.

OK, 1 cubic meter of water is about 264 gallons of water. You do the math. I am never doing math in this column again. In fact, I may never even use numbers again. They’re nothing but trouble. I’ll just write stuff like “a lot,” or “some” or “not so many.” That might be a good idea.

Do blind people see stuff in their dreams?

It depends. People who are blind from birth don’t see things in their dreams. Mostly, their dreams are made of sounds or emotions.

However, it is possible that someone blind from birth could see something in their dreams that had been very vividly described to them – a construct of that item, so to speak.

People who lose their sight later in life see things in their dreams, but as they were when they lost their sight. I am told, for instance, that if your brother was 15 (drat, a number) when you lost your sight, you might see him in your dreams years later as he looked when he was 15.

When we are not using our laptop computer, my husband says it should be turned off completely. A friend whose career has been in computers says to just close the lid and let it “hibernate.” Which is it?

As I understand it, when your computer hibernates, it saves whatever you were doing at the time in a special file on the hard drive and then shuts down. When you start up again, you’ll be right back where you were.

Reach Thompson at clay.thompson@arizonarepublic.com or (602) 444-8612.

*Clay Thompson writes for The Arizona Republic. You can read his column by going to www.azcentral.com

Uvula useful for German, vibrato, saliva

Thank goodness that’s over with. At least now we can watch TV without being harangued every 15 minutes by someone warning us his opponent is under court order to stay away from squirrels or stuff like that.

I will sort of miss all those campaign mailings, though. They made a nice change from bills and supermarket fliers. And those glossy oversized postcards make good coasters, important to know, what with the holiday entertaining season coming up.

Remember that when the next election rolls around.

Now, in regard to Tuesday’s answer about why AM radio signals seem to fade at night. My answer was correct, but as several of you pointed out, it was incomplete.

It seems Federal Communications Commission rules require many AM stations to reduce their transmitting power at sunset to keep them from interfering with other distant AM signals. I didn’t know that before.

OK, that’s that. Let’s get on with things.

What do you call that little thing that hangs down in the back your mouth and what is its function?

It’s called the uvula. The word comes from a medieval Latin word that meant “swollen grape.”

As for its function, there is quite a bit of speculation on that. For one thing, it helps produce saliva, but only in humans. So it is kind of an evolutionary marker between us and other mammals.

It helps in vocalization, but it isn’t used too much in English. It helps a lot in speaking German and Dutch and Arabic and some other languages.

And it helps singers do that vibrato thing.

When you swallow, the uvula rises up to keep food or water from going up your nose. When stuff goes up your nose, by the way, it is called craniocaudal aspiration. You probably knew that already.

In evolutionary terms, that function may have first arisen in animals that drink with their necks bent downward.

And of course the uvula is involved in snoring and sleep apnea. It can be trimmed to remove a bit of excess flesh or removed altogether to treat chronic snoring or sleep apnea. They have found that people who have those problems tend to have longer uvulas than other folks.

Reach Thompson at clay.thompson@arizonarepublic.com or (602) 444-8612.

*Clay Thompson writes for The Arizona Republic. You can read his column by going to www.azcentral.com

Needing plan for disaster is no fish story

My masters have just put out a disaster plan, a blueprint for what we at The Republic are supposed to do if the Valley were to be hit by some natural or man-made disaster that would hamper our ability to publish the funnies.

Sorry, that was unnecessarily snarky. This is pretty somber stuff and shows a lot of serious and thoughtful planning on the part of those of my masters who are capable of such things. No kidding, really. It kind of gives you the heebie-jeebies to think about stuff like this.

And just to show I am taking it seriously, I am going to buy an extra emergency bathrobe and maybe even some real shoes. After all, I might be called upon to help, and you can’t show up to cover a disaster in your flip-flops. And I can always put them on my expense account.

I read the disaster-plan staff assignments and, oddly enough, my name didn’t turn up. Maybe, in the event of disaster, I’m supposed to just bake some brownies and take them to the real disaster people down at the office.

Or maybe my masters understand that if something really awful happened, I’d either be cowering under my covers or headed out of town with the dog and the cat, if I could find it, and three or four cases of water and canned chili. And a can opener. And some plastic spoons for eating the chili.

Anyway, let’s hope the plan never has to be used. It might interfere with coverage of important issues such as this:

My husband and I were bike riding next to the canal in Chandler and noticed many large fish. What kinds of fish are living in the canal?

You’d be surprised. There are all sorts of fish in the canals: catfish, bass, trout and so on. During last year’s annual cleanup of the canals, during which fish are herded into nets and taken to local lakes, they found 15 species of fish.

And they netted a 25-pound version of something called a bigmouth buffalo. It’s pretty homely, even for a fish.

You can fish the canals, if you like, but be careful. The water in the canals looks like it is just flowing placidly along, but it’s really full of all sorts of treacherous currents.

And you can keep what you catch, with the exception of white amurs, also known as grass carp.

Salt River Project stocks the canal with these fish to keep the weeds down.
 

Reach Thompson at clay.thompson@arizonarepublic.com or (602) 444-8612.

*Clay Thompson writes for The Arizona Republic. You can read his column by going to www.azcentral.com

Experienced hopers root for the Cards

I have decided to become a fan of the Cardinals. Our football Cardinals, not the baseball Cardinals. I was raised from the cradle to believe that God himself invented the National League. But the baseball Cardinals are fallen angels, Satan’s agents on Earth.

Anyway, I have followed our football Cardinals somewhat lackadaisically and sort of off and on over the years and never really cared about them much one way or another.

However, on Sunday, I watched the only team in the NFL that may be even worse than them hand the Cardinals their lunch, and I’m just going to be on the Cardinals’ side from now on. I don’t know why for sure. Maybe it’s because I feel sorry for them.

Maybe it’s because they remind me of some of you. No, never mind about that. That can’t be it.

I think maybe it’s because they seem to be such a pathetic mix of ineptitude, goofball-ness, and promise that all those shortcomings somehow make them a symbol of hope. A hope that somehow things might get better. Or at least that things can’t get any worse. A hope that a bumbling bunch of losers might somehow redeem themselves, perhaps even in some spectacular fashion.

Look at this way: Many of us moved to Arizona with hopes that things would be better than they were. We are experienced hopers. So we should hope for the Cardinals.

I’m wondering if I might be able to help by coming out of retirement from my high school days as an offensive and defensive lineman.

I had a crafty tactic in both positions. When the ball was hiked I would fall down and curl into a fetal position and whimper like a girlie boy. This seemed to disconcert my opponents, who often tripped over my quivering form before they could get to the ball-runner, who usually had fallen over by then or slipped past in all the confusion.

Back to the original point: Do the Cardinals suck? Shaa. Should we still root for them? Maybe so. Where are we without hope?

Hope that the drought will end soon. Hope that our kids turn out better than us. Hope, especially, that we won’t see Matt Leinart’s head rolling across the field.

Reach Thompson at clay.thompson@arizonarepublic.com or (602) 444-8612.

*Clay Thompson writes for The Arizona Republic. You can read his column by going to www.azcentral.com

Ambidextrous pitchers in the big leagues

Several of you have called or written recently to ask why I have not written anything about the study that came out last week that listed Arizona as the dumbest state in the union.

For one thing, it’s sort of a sore subject with me because, as many of you know, I’m not the brightest boy in the world.

And I’d like to keep it low key, lest anybody start to wonder if that dumbest-state thing might account for what slim popularity this column manages to enjoy. So let’s just change the subject, shall we? Let’s consider this instead:

Has there ever been an ambidextrous baseball pitcher? If so, would he be allowed to switch arms during the game?

As a matter of fact there have been some switch pitchers, which I found surprising. I found this surprising information at www.mlb.com, which reported that in the second-to-last outing of his big league career, Greg Harris of the Montreal Expos threw with both hands in a one- inning appearance against the Cincinnati Reds on Sept. 28, 1995.

He threw right-handed to two batters and left-handed to two others, walking one and giving up no hits. He used a special reversible six-fingered glove that had two thumbs.

He is thought to be the first pitcher to throw with both hands in the big leagues since ambidextrous Elon “Ice Box” Chamberlain in 1888. Chamberlain was with Louisville in the American Association, which was then a major league.

Harris was with six clubs over a 15-year career. When he was with Boston, word of his odd talent got out and Bobby Brown, the American League president, gave umpires these rules: The pitcher must indicate which hand he intended to use. The pitcher may change arms on the next hitter but must indicate the arm to be used. No warm-up pitches between the change of arms and if an arm is injured, the pitcher may change arms and the umpire must be notified of the injury. The injured arm cannot be used again in that game.

Apparently there have been about half a dozen other modern-era pitchers who could throw with either arm, but none of them ever did so in a game. And I guess before 1900 there were quite a few, most notably Tony Mullane, who played for several teams. He also played every position except catcher and was a great hitter.

Reach Thompson at clay.thompson@arizonarepublic .com or (602) 444-8612.

*Clay Thompson writes for The Arizona Republic. To read his column, go to www.azcentral.com

This league is chock full of nice folks

Hey, I’ve got a tip for you because as you know, I am always looking out for the best interests of you people. If I don’t, who will?

If you get a chance, speak to the Historical League. It’s some sort of support group for the always-interesting Arizona Historical Society Museum. I’m not quite sure what the members do. They laid out a pretty good buffet, and I was busy stuffing food into the plastic bags in my pants pockets when they were explaining all that. Remember: When you go to something like this, always line your pockets with plastic bags. You can’t recycle them anyway, so you might as well get some use out of them.

Anyway, these people are just great. They all seem to live in nice houses, and they dress really well, and they have chocolate fountains at their meetings. Or at least they had a chocolate fountain at the meeting I was at the other night. I had never seen a chocolate fountain before, have you? One thing: A chocolate fountain isn’t quite like the water fountain down at the bus station. It can get a little messy until you get the hang of it.

Nonetheless, I’m telling you, you should think up some reason to talk to these people. They are just as sweet and polite as can be, and they ask good questions, they laugh at all the right things and they will buy your books. I sold my books like they were going out of style, which they probably are.

You haven’t put out any books of your own? Don’t worry about it. Just grab some paperbacks off of your shelf and sell those to them. These people are so nice and so eager to do what they can to preserve Arizona history for the rest of us that they’d probably buy them anyway.

And they seem to have some kind of Arizona cookbook involving recipes by historic Arizonans coming out in November. You should buy one. Again, I sort of missed the details on this, being busy stocking up on tamales while they were talking about it, but I bet if you called the museum sometime next month they could tell you all about it. Here’s the number: (480) 929-0292

Oddly enough, they didn’t ask me for my chili recipe, which I shall share with you now for free:

Buy a can of chili. Open it up and put it in a dish, heat it up. Eat it. Yummers.

Reach Thompson at clay.thompson@arizonarepublic.com or (602) 444-8612.

*Clay Thompson writes for The Arizona Republic. To read his column, go to www.azcentral.com

Homemade pesticide will raise a stink

Today’s question:

My neighbor sprays her plants with cooking oil mixed with minced up garlic. She says it is very effective at keeping away bugs, but when I asked her how it worked, she didn’t know. Do you?

Lots of plants protect themselves by producing their own pesticides or even herbicides. The desert primrose, for example, arms itself with certain allergenic chemicals that discourage animals from eating it. Some plants can produce a toxin that keeps other plants from taking root around it. I think mesquite does that. I can’t remember.

And plenty of insects and other animals, including many people, don’t like the taste or smell of garlic. If you ask me, almost everything needs more garlic, but that is neither here nor there.

So whatever bugs are bugging your neighbor’s plants apparently don’t like garlic.

The oil is a good idea. It helps the mix stick to the plants and makes it hard for the bugs to get a good grip on the stem.

Where does the tradition of buying cigars for your friends when your wife has a baby come from? My wife and I are due to have our first baby in about a month, and I don’t like cigars at all. Will my friends think I’m cheap if I don’t buy cigars for them?

I don’t think anybody knows for sure where the cigar thing came from. A few things I read said it might have come from the Native American habit of offering tobacco smoke to the gods as a gesture of the Thanksgiving. I don’t know.

Anyway, I wouldn’t worry about your friends thinking you’re cheap if you don’t pass out the stogies. Lots of people don’t like cigars, and I suppose they’re not good for you anyway.

You used to be able to find bubble-gum cigars for just such an occasion, and I suppose they’re still around.

The Hallmark Web site suggested handing out “spice-scented candles or sweet smelling flowers,” but that sounds kind of girly to me.

Here’s an idea: Make up a bunch of cards informing your friends that in celebration of the baby’s arrival you and the missus are making a donation in their names to some favorite charity. The size of the donations would depend on how many friends you have, I guess.

And remember, if it’s a girl, Clayella makes a lovely name.

Reach Thompson at clay.thompson@arizonarepublic.com or (602) 444-8612.

*Clay Thompson writes for The Arizona Republic. To read his column, go to www.azcentral.com

When moon hits your eye like pizza pie, that’s solstice

M an, it was cold out this morning. It must have been like 60 or so. I went out on the porch to read the paper and have some coffee and didn’t even get through the funnies before I had to come back in and go back to bed to get warm again.

After I get this done I’m going to have to look for my winter clothes. And it is fitting that we have a winter-related question today.

I understand why the sun is low in the sky at the winter solstice, but why is the full moon so high in the sky then?

Let’s review. At the winter solstice the Earth’s northern hemisphere is tipped away from the sun, so the sun appears to be low in the southern sky. In fact at the solstice, it is at its lowest point.

Now, where’s the moon? The moon is on the other side of us from the sun. That’s why it’s full. And while we are tilted away from the sun we are tilted toward the moon. So it appears to be high in the northern sky.

Simple. Let’s do another one.

When a cellphone is set to vibrate, what causes it to vibrate?

If you were to take your cellphone apart, you’d probably never get it put back together again, so you shouldn’t do that.

However, if you did take it apart and poke around in there, soon or later you would find a tiny motor that drives a tiny gear. And there is a tiny weight attached to the gear. When the motor turns the gear, the weight throws it off balance and makes it wobble, which in turn makes the phone vibrate.

I know this because I looked it up at www. howstuffworks.com.

My husband and I were driving back to Phoenix the other night, and the sign said “Phoenix 129 miles.” That started a discussion on where in Phoenix it was 129 miles to? My husband said to the city limit, but as Phoenix grows, wouldn’t that change? I would think it would have to be to a fixed place, like an intersection. Can you give some insight into this perplexing question?

You wouldn’t be perplexed if you had read the answer the last time I did this question. I can’t remember when that was, but it was a while ago.

You are correct. Mileage signs usually show the distance to some downtown landmark, such as a city hall or main library.

Reach Thompson at clay.thompson@arizonarepublic.com or (602) 444-8612.

*Clay Thompson writes for The Arizona Republic. To read his column, go to www.azcentral.com

That ringing in your ears is not the phone

Well, let’s see here. What shall we talk about today?

I’ve got a note here from a lady who says the other day she thought she heard on the radio that Ivan the Terrible, the ruler of Russia who lived in the 16th century, was really from America. She wants to know if that is right.

I think I’m going to pass on that one.

And I have one here from some guy who is wondering, for God knows what reason, how many latex gloves are used in the United States every day.

This does not exactly stir my soul, but I did find something that said we use 10 billion pairs of those gloves a year. I don’t know if that is true, and the more that I think about it, the more I think I don’t really care.

Here’s one from somebody who wants to know how many children were born in Arizona on Feb. 14, 1912, the day we gained statehood.

Any of the rest of you wondering about that lately?

How about this one:

Did people have ringing in the ears before there were radio waves?

First of all, there have always been radio waves.

Secondly, radio waves don’t cause that ringing noise in your ears, which is officially known as tinnitus.

Different things can cause this. I think the most common cause is prolonged exposure to loud noises that damage the inner ear. Specifically, loud noise can mess up the tiny little hairs in there that send electrical signals to the brain, which translates the signals into sounds. A blow to the head can do the same thing. So can an ear infection.

There are lots of other things that can cause tinnitus. Sometimes, it’s just part of normal age-related hearing loss. Excess buildup of earwax can do the job.

Prolonged use of aspirin and some antibiotics is a suspected cause. High blood pressure, too much caffeine or alcohol and some foods, including chocolate, can cause your ears to buzz.

You know that jaw problem some people get from tension or grinding their teeth? A lot of those people have tinnitus, but researchers aren’t quite sure why.

With all those potential causes, it’s not surprising tinnitus is fairly common. It usually goes away after a while, but if it’s really bothering you, I guess you’d better go see your doctor.

Reach Thompson at clay.thompson@arizonarepublic.com or (602) 444-8612.

*Clay Thompson writes for The Arizona Republic. You can read his column by going to www.azcentral.com